From Self-Destruct to Self-Love: My Weight Gain and Mental Health Journey

Because mental health matters more than my dress size, but my knees still want a word.

"I’ve Gained 1 Stone 8... or 3 Stone, Depending How You Look at It"

The antidepressant tablets I’ve been on since 2023 have done wonders for my mental state. But they’ve been less than friendly to my physical health. You can't win sometimes, can you?

Now, I’m not the body-shaming type. I have a body that’s carried two babies. My hips are wider, I’ve got stretch marks, and all the usual suspects. And I’m okay with that. But I’m not happy with my current weight. Not because of how it looks, but because of how it feels.

This isn’t about anyone else. It’s about me. My “sweet spot” has always been around 9 stone 6. But when depression hit, so did a near non-existent appetite. I dropped to 8 stone. Actually, if I remember rightly, I fell a little below that. But let’s not get all "thinner-gy" about it (see what I did there?). We'll go with 8 stone.

So, from my usual 9 stone 6, I lost 1 stone 6. Then, from that 8 stone low, I’ve gone up to 11 stone. Hence the 1 stone 8… or 3 stone, depending on how you look at it. I’ve never been 11 stone in my life, and trust me, I’ve noticed it. My friends and family will sweetly say I look fine (bless their little porky pies). Actually, my mum will tell me the truth, always with love, and my husband, being the gent that he is, keeps telling me I’m beautiful. But I’ve noticed. My hips hurt. My knees are sore. And I’ve now entered the territory of being more at risk for diabetes, heart disease, and stroke. That’s not where I want to be.

And do you know what I was told about side effects, apart from the usual "you might feel a bit sick for the first few weeks"? Absolutely nothing. No one mentioned I might put on 3 stone. Or that I’d feel the heat more. Or that withdrawal is a thing. I’ve had to learn all of this myself.

Weight is a funny topic. A bit like age. We don’t really talk about it openly, or we dance around the numbers. But I do. I want this space to be honest. I’m an open book. And there’s no shame in saying the numbers out loud.

I’m Sian. I’m 40. And I’m 11 stone. See? That wasn’t so bad.

So, where am I now with antidepressants (specifically, sertraline)? I started on 100mg. Since July 2024, I’ve been tapering super slowly. I’m now on 12.5mg. Fist pump to the sky. I am so proud of my journey.

Let me say this loud and clear. There is no shame in looking after your mental health. It’s essential. Antidepressants helped me in ways I can barely put into words. But it’s not just about meds. It’s about everything else too. Eating well, exercising, getting into nature, reading books, yoga, nourishing your brain and body. It all matters.

For me, the time felt right to taper off. Tapering is the only way I’d recommend doing it. I even wrote an eBook on it. You can read it here. For example, when I dropped from 100mg to 90mg, I stayed at that new dose for six weeks. I’ve done some 2-week drops too, but there was no rush. I just listened to my body and brain, and gave myself time to adjust.

Now, I wouldn’t be truthful if I didn’t share the other two reasons I’ve decided to come off antidepressants. First, weight gain (see above. Exhibit A). And second, the potential long-term physical effects of staying on them. Again, weight gain shows up here too.

So where does that leave me now?

I’m in a space of gentle self compassion, messy progress, and deeper awareness. I’m still on my journey, still figuring out what feels good for my mind and body. I’m moving more, not to shrink myself, but to honour the body that carried me through the toughest of times. I’m eating to nourish, not to punish. I’m resting when I need it. And I’m letting go of the pressure to “bounce back” or be the version of me I once was.

Instead, I’m choosing to become the version of me that I need now.

Something shifted for me recently, on my 40th birthday, actually. I was mooching around the boutiques in Whitstable (as one does, because hello... seaside birthdays are elite), and I got chatting to the loveliest lady in one of the shops while trying on dresses. I mentioned my weight gain, as you do when you're pulling on the dress that is as flowy as you, and she opened up about her own story.

She told me she’d lost her mum very suddenly and that the grief had knocked her sideways. Her way of coping? Eating. She said she didn’t even realise how much she was emotionally fuelling herself with food until one day she realised enough was enough, the weight had piled on and she knew it was doing her no good.

Then she said something that honestly stopped me in my tracks
“It was either self love or self destruct. And I chose self love.”

She had lost 2 stone not out of shame or punishment, but out of healing. She said she wanted to feel good again physically, yes, but more than that, emotionally and energetically. She wanted to reclaim herself, and she did it not by hating her body, but by nurturing it and loving it.

That moment stay with me. It was very grounding in that moment and still is. Solid. Heavy with meaning. And now, when I reach for the sweet treats which I still love, by the way I’m just trying to love myself more, I think of her. I think of that simple but powerful choice. Because I want to feel good inside and out. I want to feel strong. I want to be here for the long haul. I want to live well, not just survive.

When I was in the depths of depression, it felt like I had pressed a big red self destruct button with both hands. It was chaos inside and out. I never want to go back to that place again. And while the road forward isn’t always smooth, I’m walking it with a different energy now.

So yes, maybe I have to work a little harder than some. Maybe I’ll always have to keep an eye on things a little more closely. But now I know, it’s self love all the way for me.

It’s okay to celebrate the wins and still acknowledge the struggles. It’s okay to love yourself and want to change. It’s okay to be proud of taking medication and also feel frustrated by its side effects. We are allowed to hold all these truths at once. That’s what makes us human.

If you’re reading this and nodding along, maybe you’ve gained weight on antidepressants, maybe you’re tapering off, maybe you’re just feeling all the feelings, please know that you are not alone. Your experience is valid. Your body is not broken. Your journey is yours, and it matters.

Thank you for walking alongside me in mine.

Let’s keep talking about the hard stuff, the honest stuff, the stuff that makes us feel less alone. Let’s say the numbers out loud. Let’s tell the truth. And let’s be kind, especially to ourselves.