What my depression & anxiety looked like.

When I think about what happened to me, It seemingly felt like my Depression & Anxiety came out of the blue and it hit me full pelt without warning and with such force, it knocked me down, quite literally.

But, the more I have thought about it and processed the last 4 months, It was bound to have come sooner or later, because over the last 3 years I was faced with lots of stressors that have come to head and turned my life upside down,.

Before my devil arrived (thats what I call him) I was doing ok, well at least I thought I was. I was hitting the gym multiple times a week, eating well, working my part time job as a carer whilst home-schooling our daughter and just doing life.

It started with vertigo in May 2023, was it really vertigo, now Im not sure after learning so much about health anxiety and the multiple symptoms that come for the ride, jumping on the band wagon like an unwanted guest; because I have had it since when Im stressed, I believe maybe its my anxiety that causes these unbalancing feelings like getting of that fair ground ride you wish you never went on, except last for around 2 weeks and is relentless is affected your day; I have definitely shouted piss off a few times aloud, to myself, which is quite humorous, especially when the rest of the household think your having a argument on the phone, or shouting at a neighbour, no just me and my devil going backwards and forwards... I even sing swearing songs to him sometimes, just to amuse myself and make light of the dark.

It wasn't long after the suspected vertigo/anxiety attack that I started feeling physically unwell, these stomach pains were painful and my husband took me to A&E on two occasions, being prodded and pocked like a pin cushion, the bruises were pretty ghastly and the blood pressure machine was not my friend, every time they tried to take my blood pressure, my arm hurt so bad I would nearly cry and want to pass out. I had multiple blood tests, x-rays, ultrasound, had my poo tested and had two round of strong antibiotics for suspected 'stuff' but my results were fine. It seems my body was reacting to my appending depression & health anxiety in way of pain. Yep, pain in my stomach, my body ached, I was weak and this went on for around 6 weeks, 6 weeks where I can honestly say I was bedridden for about 90% of it. 

What followed was one of the worst times of my life to date and how I felt I wouldn't wish upon anyone.

I lost my appetite and lost a stone in weight, I went down to 8 stone 6. I felt weak and my family were noticing the difference, I had been in so much pain for a long period of time, my body couldn't relax and I was walking around hunched up at the shoulders and my muscles hurt. To put it frankly, I looked ill. 

I would look in the mirror and cry at my new unintentional appearance, I didn't like the way my face was pale and gaunt, my collar bones were sticking out and my legs were like pencils. Crying wasn't something new to me though, Id cry everyday, several times, mainly sobbing on my husband in despair and this went on for months. My sleep was affected badly as I kept having panic attacks in the middle of the night, where I take myself down stairs and stick my head out the living-room window, my husband rubbing my back at 4am whilst Im shaking and crying, my heart raising and feeling complete and utter dread. Sometimes these panic attacks would happen more than once in a night and I always felt tired because of them.

It all came to head when I attempted to go to the cinema with my husband and our daughter and I had to leave and go home. The noise was overwhelming and I was covering my ears and rocking backwards and forwards needing to leave. I only got to 15 minutes into the new Indiana Jones, gutted, still haven't seen it, haha. Even the popcorn couldn't keep me there.

The next day I phoned and spoke at length on the phone with my GP and told her everything. From my stressors, to all my efforts in fighting the need for medication and we agreed that I had tried hard to get myself better but it was time to start antidepressants and to this day I am still on them and credit them for getting my head above the clouds when I was falling fast into a dark black hole.

Let me list you all the things I tried and still do to this day to help my journey before medication and alongside medication.

• Getting up everyday and washing, even when I felt so weak id want to cruel to the bathroom.
• Putting on fresh clothes (pjs really) everyday
• Brushing my teeth everyday as I have always done

Now the above may seem strange, yet I can firsthand tell you, these small steps are hard when you are feeling so low. Yet, I also know how important they are if you want to recover. Anyway, let me continue!

• Reading - so many self-help, wellness, mental health and anxiety books. I can honestly say that Fearne Cotton was like an angel to me when I discovered her books and devoured 4 in 2 weeks!
• Mediation
• Eventually Yoga
• I saw an hypnotherapist and still practice at home
• Eat well, I have a vegan diet but eat less sugar and more veg
• This is a big one for me, I cut out caffeine, yes, all these years of drinking my black coffee in the morning, disappeared out of my life just like that. The caffeine and making my anxiety rocket, and Im strong in knowing that if something doesn't serve me then say goodbye to it. Its been 5 months now.
• Alcohol, its been 4 months since my last drop and I have no desire to drink any for the foreseeable, I stopped drinking alcohol before starting my meds, because I had no interest, and had read so much on the effects of alcohol and its correlation to depression and alcohol, paired with the fact that my antidepressants and alcohol wouldn't really get on, It was a no brainer.
• Gratitude Journalling
• Deep breathing - FUN FACT did you know that most of us don't breathe properly!
• I used Magnesium sleep lotion to relax my muscles and aid sleep
• Walking, just getting out into the fresh air and walking in nature is so important
• I had a 8 week course of txt therapy and a 8 week group taming Anxiety zoom course.

Basically, I bloody tried and will forever believe all these things aided me to a calmer state.

During this time, I gave up my job as I literally couldn't work. Even though the panic attacks had become less frequent, I had a full blown one on the M20 whilst driving with our daughter, It was so scary having to pull up on the hard shoulder, knowing that your 11 year old had to witness mummy in a state of panic and fear and knowing that I had to keep driving to get to my destination. I will forever credit our daughter over how she helped me get through that journey with so much love, empathy and maturity. I was exhausted by the time we arrived at my mums and cried whilst my mum cuddled me. To this day, I haven't yet been able to drive on a motorway, but Im working on this, with no pressure and with self-patience. Its important to do things at a pace that suits you, I will know when the time is right,

Its still strange to me, that someone like myself who has always been quite relaxed, laid back and positive, could be go through depression and anxiety. I don't mean this in away, that I think I'm excluded from mental health issues or I'm a self entitled person who thinks i'm immune to such things, I mean it in the opposite way. It shows that it doesn't matter who you are, where you come from, what you do, anyone can suffer from mental health struggles, after all, it doesn't give a shit and it doesn't exclude anyone.

Roll onto November 2023 and Im doing OK, I don't like to talk to soon and I also know that this will forever be apart of my journey in life. Im still on the meds and I have just self-referred to therapy again, as I strongly believe the two work better together and to get to the route cause is important... talking is important, being open with my husband, my mum, my friends really changed the narrative to getting to a better place.

I still have low moods, anxious thoughts and panic attacks, but nothing like I was, and for that I am grateful.

Please know there is help to be had. Please know that you don't need to go through this alone. Please know that you are worthy, you are loved and you are brave. 

Pockets of Bliss was born out of my desire to set up bliss boxes that people can purchase as gifts to show the special people in their lives that they are thinking of them. To set up a subscription plan that enables someone to treat their-self to some self-love and care each month knowing it has come from someone who has been there and can say with sincere honestly, I know how it feels and you can get better, you will get better. This won't define you, its just a blip in your journey.

We will always talk about mental health with no shame or stigma. We will always raise awareness and we will always put love into every box.

I want to finish by saying thank you to my husband Paul, god knows what I'd have done without him, my hero in so many ways, I love you. My mum, the best mum in the world, for the cuddles, making us dinners, ironing for me, buying us shopping, treating me to wellness gifts and always listening, I love you, I know I worried you both. Also my best friend Lauren, the messages, the check ins, the first meet up for a decaf I could do, there is a reason you've been my best mate since I was 11. Thank you to my amazing son and daughter, I love you both so much. Thank you to my lovely sister in law Lauren, my mother in law, my beautiful and dear friend Emma in Spain. You all checked in on me, and gave me kind words and advice.

And then theres our Itchycoo; our little rescue puppy as helped me beyond words, she I believe was meant to be ours, the stars aligned and she came into our lives, my life at exactly the right time. She was born into this world and faced her own challenges, having been born with one paw missing and both her siblings having died, she is a strong and cuddly little girl and has learnt so much from such a young age. Never ever underestimate the power of the love and therapeutic healing that dogs and other animals provide. She gives me a purpose to continuing walking out in the fresh air everyday, she gives me love with no agenda, just unconditional, she gives me a focus, to nurture and look after her. Thank you sweet little bear, we love you.

So thats my story. I hope you was able to read it through and maybe help you in some way. I am and forever will be a open book and I have absolutely no shame around my mental health struggles, Im lucky enough to know the stressors that have most likely to have caused it in the first place.

If you are going through a hard time, don't give up, it can and will get better.

If you know someone who is struggling, check in on them, believe me, its the simple things that can make someones day, you could even save someones life.

Love & Hugs

Sian X