My Mental Health Journey a year on - Part 1

I want to clarify that I was never addicted to alcohol. I made the choice to quit when I was struggling with depression and anxiety. During that time, alcohol was the last thing I wanted, along with caffeine and most other things. Even eating was a challenge, and I often barely ate throughout the day, leading to constant weight loss. This is what depression and anxiety can look like for some people.

So, where am I now? Mentally, I am much better than I was last year. For about 2-3 months, I resisted getting medication to help me, but as the darkness around me grew, I knew I needed medical assistance. I have been on antidepressants for around 11 months now, and they have helped immensely.

It's strange because I tried my absolute best to avoid medication. I'm not someone who likes to take medicines if I don't have to. I tried everything to help myself, but it wasn't enough. Antidepressants allowed me to rise above the clouds and calm my daily panic attacks.

Did I fight against them due to stigma? 100%. Although now I feel no stigma nor shame around being on medication for my mental health. I’m no longer in the black hole of despair, and I know that Sertraline helped me get here alongside my own strength and will to want to get better.

So whats next. Well, Ive decided that I now would like to come of antidepressants. 11 months is starting to get into the realms of long term use and for me personally, I don't want to be on them for years and years. It works for some people and their personal circumstances, but for me, I have decided to start the new leg of my mental health journey and document for all to see and ill tell you why!

When you are prescribe anitidepressants, Dr's will tell you the side effects that may occur whilst your body is adapting to this new drug in your system. Unfortunately, they don't always tell you the withdrawal symptoms that may occur when coming of them. In my case I wasn't told. Now this may not be the same for everyone, but the research I have done, the forums and websites I have connected to shows me that many others are in the same boat.

Except for a few headaches when I first started Sertraline, I experienced very few initial side effects. I emphasise, this was just at the beginning, and the medication has significantly helped me mentally. I won't downplay the positive impact on my mental health. However, physically, the effects have been less favourable.

Let me start by saying that I am not someone who shames any body type; I embrace my lumps and bumps. However, when my internal health feels compromised, that's when I take action. It's also important to note that no one knows your body like you do! You know when you feel comfortable and healthy, and right now, I don't. Since starting Sertraline 11 months ago, I have gained 2.5 stone.

Last year, I was too thin, and I hated it because I associated the weight loss with being mentally unwell. I dropped to 8 stone 2 pounds, and possibly even lower at one point, which was frightening. This year, I am 10 stone 11 pounds, and for my age and height, that classifies me as overweight. My baseline weight for years has been around 9 stone 6 pounds, which is where I feel comfortable. I would love to get back to that weight.

Seeing my brother currently undergoing chemotherapy and discovering that I have polyps syndrome like him, which is the cause of his colon cancer, has made me more determined to maintain a healthy lifestyle. It feels unfair to neglect my health while my brother is enduring such a grueling and heartbreaking ordeal.

Other side effects I have I believe are from being on antidepressants include adult acne, fingernails that constantly break and brain fog.

I have questioned whether my weight gain is due to the medication or something else. After several months of research, it appears that many others have experienced this as a side effect. I consider myself a relatively healthy person: I haven't had a drop of alcohol for a year, I lead a vegan lifestyle that isn't heavy on junk food, I've never smoked, and I exercise and walk daily. Despite this, the weight keeps coming. I've researched the side effects enough to understand that it's likely due to my medication.

So, what's next? I'm preparing for the challenging journey of coming off Sertraline. It might not be the easiest path, and while I hope to prove myself wrong, I don't want to be caught off guard by unrealistic expectations. Based on my research, I know that discontinuing antidepressants can be tough.

On Monday, July 8th, I have an appointment with my pharmacist to discuss how to start the process. I’m looking forward to planning a tapering schedule. Gradually reducing the dose of antidepressant medication over time, known as tapering, helps minimise withdrawal effects and supports a smoother transition off the medication.

Considering the length of time I've been on Sertraline, the dose I'm on, and my personal health profile, I intend to taper off slowly. It's crucial to emphasise: never stop taking antidepressants abruptly, as this can cause severe withdrawal symptoms and negatively impact your health. Always consult a medical professional to guide you through the process and monitor your progress at each reduced dose.