Why we should talk about Procrastination

I have been up since 4:00am this morning and I am shattered. I'm a light sleeper, so any noise wakes me up, so you son and his mate making food and hanging around downstairs is what I call a night right off, then the dog not settling and needing to be let out was my call to get up and stay up. So, my first cuppa of the day was at 4:30am, and I swear I have yawned enough to set a record. Yet, weirdly there is still something quite cosy about getting up whilst the sun is still hidden and the moon still shines, when the night is still and the noise non-existent, there isn't any peace and quiet like that of when the country sleeps and you are awake.

I don't do new years resolution's, statistically most people fail to cohere to their resolutions and actually its almost a little added pressure that most of us do not need, however I did hope that 2024 would be kinder then 2023, because last year was for me personally, scary. I went into a dark void that I wouldn't wish upon anyone, a place, that if I am honest, I thought id never come out of, one that got me questioning life.

What I have learnt is that Depression, Anxiety and Panic attacks is a illness like any other, its just mental illness is invisible, can be hidden, have a brave face put on it and walks amongst us all not seen to the eye.

Initially I could mask the way I felt quite well, until the panic attacks that would happen whilst I was out and about, Im generally not a fussy person and don't like to make a scene, so even when my panic attacks were public, Id shy away and try to breath mindfully, no one ever noticed!

When I broke down in a garden centre last summer, I knew I was getting worse, our beautiful daughter at only 10 at the time was cuddling me and saying its ok mummy and I so badly wanted it to be, but I felt I was slipping away from reality and I couldn't tread water fast enough, I was tired, exhausted in-fact and my world was crumbling around me at super sonic speed and I felt powerless to defend myself against the darkness; and it got me, and it got me good!

I wasn't just mentally drained, I was physically drained too. My body hurt, I had abdomen pain which had my husband take me to hospital on two occasions, one time I went in and my heart rate was so high, they took me in for a ECG and was more or less taken to a cardiac area to be monitored which was super scary, but I had so much pain, I could barely concentrate and I was having needles poked in my arms and hands and didn't have the energy to care. I now know I was having an extreme panic attack and the pain in my abdomen that went on for weeks was a physical sign of my depression. The weight fell off me, I walked around with my shoulders up near my ears, frail and scared. Food didn't interest me, TV had no meaning, in-fact it had the ability to worry me more, actually life didn't interest me, I had no interest in anything I used to enjoy; I knew I needed to get help and I am proud of myself for making that call and being put on antidepressants because I have been able to get to where I am now, thats why there must never be any shame in reaching out, talking about how you feel, attending therapy and taking the pill... it saves lives!

So roll on to 2024, and it already has had me by the throat and left me feeling devastated beyond words. My eldest brother has been diagnosed with Cancer and I just can't get my head around it. Im Sad, really sad and have cried every day since, he is only 42 and I love him so very much. At the moment we are in Limbo whilst we wait on results and my anxiety is being pulled all over the place, I try to get on and then give up and do tasks that require no real thought because my brain is overloaded with so many scenarios and utter sadness that my amazing, kind brother, one of the nicest human beings you could ever meet is having to go through this.

Thank god for my pill everyday, as I don't think I would cope at all with my brothers diagnoses if I wasn't on my antidepressants. Sadness is pure, I sobbed last night on Paul, I don't want my brother to have to go through such a gruelling time and I just feel helpless.

So yep, my procrastination is real and some may say valid, yet I still beat myself up about not ticking boxes off my POB to do list, I so badly want this little business to work and yet I struggle to get anywhere, its like I take one step forward then a storm takes me flying backwards. 

Procrastination is annoying on so many levels. I know what needs to be done, I have lists both in my head and on paper, yet I don't know where to start. I'm determined to make POB work, yet cant seem to get the engine started, and every time I do, it breaks down again. 

Sales have been non-existent, engagement barely there and Im clutching at straws whilst battling my own mental health and sorrow that is engulfing my being. Where do I start? Please feel free to fire over any suggestions on POB and what you would like to see. 

I believe that honesty is important and I try to be as transparent as I can. I don't pretend that everything is sunny and amazing, because I think social media does enough of that. One of my goals for POB was to be authentic, to come from a real place, to talk openly about life, mental health and everything in between. I have learnt so much about life this past year and to this day. I have learnt that its so important to not take life for granted, to honour kindness, show appreciation, tell the ones you love, that you love them, hug, smile at a stranger and mostly don't judge a book by its cover, my cover was pretty bullet proof, yet I was melting inside at my worse.

Talk up for what is right in this world and if you know with your every fibre that you are doing good, making change even in some small way, then don't deviate, stay grounded and strong in your beliefs and don't give up.

This as been a much needed relief for me, thank you for letting my brain feel a little lighter, thank you for reading and supporting not just POB but me personally, Im a really grateful, and I mean really grateful.

Hugs

Sian x